Recent thoughts and occurences

Had kind of an odd week. Made Marimba 1 for indoor which is like the straight up boss position as far as PIT is concerned. First basketball game for pep band is saturday so i'm looking forward to that. Not to mention jazz band is in full swing (pun totally intended) and Keiser and Cindy are finally official which makes me happy.

Now for the suckish part of the week. I've had steady headaches all week and have been more jittery than usual. My hands usually shake but it's felt slightly worse in the last few days and i've had occurences where i feel like my heart's beating right out of my chest like i'm some sort of Looney Toons character. I tried doing stuff to relax but i just can't seem to when i'm not in bed. Ironically enough the only time i'm not all jittery is during band when i'm in the loudest environment possible. At home when I'm supposed to be able to relax i feel like i can't because i'm always having to hop up and do something, mostly dog related which i just realized i forgot to put Caesar up in his barn for bed time which i will now do before resuming this post. FRICK!!!!! ok that's done back to business. I tried listening to one of those relaxation therepy videos and that just made my heart race even faster which i found odd. It's like i've been so used to trying not to fall asleep at school (mostly due to my rather loud snoring which would be bad in a classroom even during off days when nothing is happening and no one would usually care if i slept) that my natural response of adrenaline rushes to stay awake has bled into my relaxation time.

The lightbulbs burned out in the dining room. Which means i now can't eat dinner in there at the computer because i have this strange phobia of eating in the dark that i've had since my early childhood. Simple remedy is eating somewhere else sure but it's just my usual habit.

And if that all wasn't enough I asked out a girl yesterday. Yay right? Haha Fat chance. Erin is her name and i sit right in front of her in Econ. We're fairly good friends and i've known her since about 2nd grade but just developed 'more-than-friend' sentiments for her in the last couple years. I wouldn't call it a crush because it wasn't that strong but still that's semantics i suppose. Well i didn't know how i was going to go about it but i knew i had to. mostly because my friends who knew i was planning to, wouldn't shut up until i did (band kids are supportive in that regard haha). Well she left the classroom to go take something to another teacher and another friend, Cindy, said it'd be cute to write it on one of Erin's sticky notes with the little yes or no check boxes (yes like the George Strait song. it seemed campy to me at first due to hearing that song all the time as it is my parents' "song" but i disregarded that fact agreeing with Cindy). My plan was to get up to talk to Joseph, who sat on the other side of the room, then when she saw it i'd go back over and turn on the smoothness.

However when she saw it a look of slight...indignation i suppose is the word, came across her face with a sarcastic "really?" tagging along. She crumpled it up and threw it away and told Cindy "What am i three?" in response to cindy asking if erin would answer me. Granted i know i'm not exactly catch of the year but well (brutal honesty in 3..2..1) you don't need to be a bitch about it. I mean seriously i've been on of the few people who has legitamately supported her among the rest of us who are tired of hearing about all the marathon stuff as a friend and when i thought that maybe our friendship could evolve, it all fell apart. I didn't talk to her at all today but apparently she had a date tonight with a certain Mark Schmitz. Tall, rich, and graduated already. Frickin ridiculousness. I never expected her to take the shallow choice but she did say today as well that she'd totally be a trophy wife so i guess the true colors really do come out when you wipe the bullcrap out of your eyes. I don't mean to be up here badmouthing her as i'd still like to be friends with her. I'm just quite pissy about this and am ranting, fair enough eh? Oh well i shouldn't worry. it's not the first time one of the schmitz boys has indirectly screwed up my endeavor for a relationship. Two years ago a girl named Arika chose the younger of the two boys over me, and now the older with erin. But i'm not worried. Money and nice cars will only get you so far and don't even get you genuinely nice women anyway unless you get lucky and find a nice woman who doesn't care. Still it's a short term WTF'ery that i'm not a fan of.

It sucked because she looked really nice today and i couldn't even tell her. I'm pretty sure the only people i even made eye contact with during first hour today were Joseph, Cindy, my homeboy Nate and Mr. Mancuso.

Who knows? maybe all of this is some cosmic thing. Like the universe is against me dating certain ladies. The whole time i dated bethany she was catching crap from people which caused her to break up with me, but she got a new man and no one has made any objections to it. Not even me as he's a nice guy from what I've seen (then again keiser doesn't really like him which makes me giggle because i kind of hated that i couldn't find a flaw in the guy at first) And now i've struck out with Erin. I don't think the universe is totally against me dating period as i'm not sure i've enacted some sort of niche in the karma line of life or some crap but even if it is against me i'm not really going to give a crap. I very well may see a certain lady named Beka in my future but we'll have to wait and see. Fate likes to throw curveballed boomerangs.

This is kind of a wah wah pity i'm losing my mind blah thing but it's kind of a triumph. I got over my self proclaimed over thinking without action that i've dubbed "Hamletism" and found my new favorite novel in Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. Writing this is actually making me feel calmer. I think my inability to relax is just from bottling everything up. Who knows cuz i sure as frig don't. Guess i'll play it by ear just like the Orchestra music that i have a rehearsal for tomorrow that i haven't practiced because it's quarter notes on timpani. Good night everyone.

Short Story Idea (Current title "All Signs Point to Yes" )

Devin Hoover woke up in a cold sweat. The thunderstorms that shook the entire neighborhood, although incredibly loud and dismal, were nothing in the way of frightening compared to the nightmare he just escaped from. He got out of bed with the pictures of events still to come, the same that plagued his dream, swirling around with no real coherency with static being all he could hear. He worked his way out of bed and stumbled toward the door in an effort to escape the madness in his head. The storm had knocked out the power to the whole house, causing his room to have absolute zero visibility. As he had neared the door with nothing but his cellphone to light the way, he tripped over a carelessly placed guitar case and fell with his arm hitting a shelf of books and knicknacks. He got on his hands and knees but before he could stand, he felt a large thud on the back of his head and he was rendered unconscious. He entered the dream once more, except this time with only one picture in his mind. The picture of his imminent death. He awoke the next morning to absolute silence in the house with the exception of his sister talking on the phone downstairs. He looked at the floor to find his Magic 8 Ball, the source of his blow to the head the night before. He picked it up, shook it, and asked if his dream could become a reality. The pyramid inside the looking glass of the ball showed the response. All signs point to yes.

thoughts for this evening

Marching band started to get stagnant for a while. I even got to the point for a week or two where I got really fed up with quite a few people in the band. I still am but now it's only the people that warrant it. Today, however, we did really well at a District contest and made it on to Regionals (the order goes District, Regional, SemiState and State Finals). We needed a 60 to get to Regionals. We got a 68.15 which is amazing considering at the Regional contest a 70 is needed to get to Semi-State. It definitely re-charged my spirits and made me remember why I do marching band in the first place. From what I've seen the other people in the band that are getting burned out in this last month. So things are going pretty good on that front.

Now let's get to the real depths of my mind...

You guys know about my whole dating situation with Bethany. I helped her and her mom take stuff out to their van when they were picking up their choir fundraiser items a few days ago. I gotta say it was a weird way to meet her mom considering I dont know if her mom knew exactly who I was haha. Just an hour ago (from the time of writing this) I saw that she's going out with a guy now, which doesn't bother me seeing as how it's not my problem. However, during the whole course that we dated (yes that ever so epicly looong 2 weeks :/ ) she never wanted us to change our facebook relationship status because she felt her mom would flip out. I didn't mind since I figured it didn't matter. The day after we started going out she said she had a talk with her parents about dating. Looks like they're ok with it now.

Granted I'm happy for Bethany and her new boyfriend. I've met the guy a few times in the past and he's pretty cool. Guess what gets me a little pissy is that they're "facebook official" and i have to say, although it feels nice to kind of be the catalyst to her parents being ok with her dating, I almost feel like I was used as a springboard to get her to that point and other than that I'm just a forgettable chapter and back to where I was way back before we dated. Granted I know facebook doesn't determine life but it's more the principle of the thing. I don't know maybe I think too much and let things get to me that shouldn't. Seems to be a recurring issue that I have trouble resolving.

Unrelated thought : I'm in real need of a driver's license and a job also (both of which I am currently unable to get due to lack of time.)

Ultimately marching band's pretty much the only thing that's engaging. Other than that everything feels...stagnant. I have the strangest feeling that I'm becoming the quiet observer yet again. Who knows? Knowing me I've probably just hit a dry patch and maybe something's gonna happen to make things fun again. S'pose only time will tell.

NEW BLOG!

hey guys i opened a new blog with posts that will be little bits of my insanity so this one can be for strictly long posts. the url is leafinanenvelope.blogspot.com so go there and be sure to follow it. i'll be uploading it more than this one due to the fact that (as you know) i have more random thoughts of minor hilarity than i do exestential quandries that have me scrutinizing my life (although when i do have one it'll be here) sooo yeah. be sure to follow up on that one. i very well may link to it on facebook if i feel saucy idk .

sorry to disappoint sir...

Today I was talking to a friend in the hallway who asked me, quote, "How's the whole girlfriend situation going?" I asked what he was talking about and he said he meant to ask how i'm doing with my breakup with bethany (which happened about two weeks ago). I told him it happened two weeks ago and that it didn't bother me at all and that I was perfectly fine with everything (i sat with her and a few other friends both times i had to take "A" Lunch this week and we talked perfectly fine as just regular ol' friends and had normal conversations). He almost seemed disappointed like he was expecting me to say that I was miserable, or at least seem frustrated and act miserable. All apologies good sir. I didn't mean to disappoint you or anything. Hahaha. Granted I very well may be reading too much into it but still I just found it funny.^_^ Ok kids have a good one.

Bad joke of the day: Why did the chicken sit on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet! *cue chirping of crickets*

new blog entry you say? why yes i think i will.

Ok so it's been a while world (the two that actually read this and my future self looking back on this) but first tri of senior year is already 25% completed and marching band is 2 months away from being over for good for me. I just read my previous blog after seeing that ms. ferrari commented on it back on the 28th of august cuz i hadn't checked my email in forever (i also got a rejection letter from my job app at Toys R Us, which i didnt even know happened) Basically a lot of good and bad has happened to me since that last entry.

First of all i'd like to call BS on myself for that post because without even having to get into Mortal Kombat with my mom or fighting what i thought was fate, i hung out with friends a lot, went to quite a few good parties, had an awesome one of my own, and had some good memories captured in photos.

I got my first girlfriend which was pretty good for the 2 weeks it actually lasted. Then again I believe that she really did have a lot of stuff going on and if her dating me made things difficult on her then i understand perfectly as i'd rather her be single and happy than with me and miserable because, as a philosopher once said, bitches dont know $#!7. It's already come and gone like a blur and we're both back to where we were previously as though we didn't date at all. Does that bum me out? A little, but not much. It does feel a bit Twilight Zone-ish but i'm not really sad at all. If anything i feel pretty good cuz my friends have been superbly supportive in both being there for me and , for one especially, ranting some common sense into me. Plus all the girls that ever used the excuse of not liking to be the first girlfriend no longer have an excuse (muahahahahaaaa haha XD ) but seriously though it was a good experience and she's an amazing girl.

I was almost a homecoming escort too. ...i think. a young lady by the name of samantha was talking to me and i brought up my breakup and she told me that she thought of asking me to be her escort but figured i couldn't due to band and asked another guy (cuz that's really what i wanna hear when i'm already sad about something :/ i guess it's an honor just to be nominated?...f*** that...yup.) i told her my band director (known as murph) wouldn't mind and that i'd ask him. she told me if he was cool with it then she'd tell the other guy she was going with me. i asked murph about it and he accepted in a heartbeat and was super excited. i told samantha only to have her inform me that the other guy got his tux fitted without her even telling him to do so (she hadn't turned in the paper work confirming who she chose either) so that screwed me over. HOWEVER she asked if i'd like to get dinner with her sometime which i guess made everything ok...idk. she has a boyfriend on the football team so that'd be kinda weird even when not thought of as a date (i guess deep down girls really do love nerds more than football players haha. it's probably because the marching band is actually successful. ;] )

When i told murph this morning about it all falling through he was apalled to say the least. he was like "that's a bunch of crap dude! you got a great opportunity stolen from you by some kid who probably just wanted the prestige of the title and decided to jump the gun to make it so he couldn't back out! that's a bunch of crap!" He was actually more angry than i was. and i know if some of the band people read this (they wont. then again if they did i'd still stay with what i believe cuz a lot of them are full of crap anyway) they'll tell me i'm dumb but honestly that's the reason why murph is my favorite teacher. i guess it's because i've had him as a teacher for the last 4 years now counting this year so i feel comfortable talking to him about this stuff. but he honestly cares a lot about his students and treats us all like family.

in a nutshell. despite frustrations that occur. my life is pretty awesome and it took some good stuff happening to make me realize that i worry and complain about the stupedest stuff. seriously the next time i write a blog complaining about something stupid like not having a social life. for the love of abe lincoln just smack some sense into me (the two that read this i trust will do just that. as they are two of the few i'd allow to literally smack me)

now for just a funny story. I have a friend by the name of Kara that i've liked on and off over the last few years. i tried asking her out my sophomore year by having a friend wingman for me and he and she started going out that same night (pretty messed up i know haha it only lasted a week or so anyway) our friendship was strained for a while but we talked once in a while but nothing major. then junior year i did some facebook thingy with one of those confession-y deals where i told her i wish we could be close friends again and that i should've just asked her out myself no matter how she would've responded. she found this to be quite sweet and we started talking again to the point of hinting at a date (as in a date. singular. not dating like a lot of highschool kids just jump into...like i did...i really need to watch how i talk about highschool relationships now hahaha but i digress) and things were going fairly well.

my birthday party came and i had kind of....sort of ....maybe...planned on asking her out. i was gonna judge how things went and go from there. HOWEVER Bethany (my gf for 2 weeks. now you see where this is goin) showed up (we went out for one day a few weeks earlier but i'd still invited her after our 20 hour relationship ended, cuz it was insignificant to get mad over) and things started to change. at first i still had my sights on kara. but kara started to get a little...lets just say obnoxious and slightly annoying. but was still a sweetie. however when the dancing came i found myself with bethany a lot more. Kara, however, danced with my freshman cousin Nate. i thought it was funny but they seemed to hit it off and i let it go to focus on Bethany because i honestly still had feelings for her and my feelings for kara weren't as strong. well nate got a little happy and lets just say he...copped a feel...which i thought was gonna get him killed but it didnt. (probably because it's improper decorum to kill the cousin of the birthday boy during the party) they exchanged numbers before kara left and he wanted to date her and stuff. i didnt mind because as of that night i started dating bethany for real.

kara ended up not liking nate in the same way. mostly because he started gettin a bit obsessive and making the 'freshman mistakes' like throwin the love word around like a football and stuff and she shut him down. Now fast forward to the north/south game. i was putting away instruments when we got back to school after the game and my brother and other cousin Mark. (who's the same age as nate but in the 8th grade cuz nate started school early. so they're both 14) well kara was there cuz her sister's in band so she was talking to me and i introduced her to mark. well needless to say mark developed a crush on her as well and for that reason had me go with him to see her soccer game and then we hung out at the mall.

later that evening i was hangin with kara and a friend (without mark) and we were talking about relationships and stuff. i told her that i thought my cousins were gonna compete for her in a joking manner and she told me that, no offense, she'd never date them. which made me happy cuz i didn't want two of my 14 year old punk cousins running after a girl whom i still wouldn't mind dating. of course she told me that due to her track record of dating jerks she couldn't date me because i'm "too awesome and nice" so like...i got THAT goin for me. which again, strangely, i dont really mind. is something wrong with me? nope. i think i finally believe my friends when they tell me that relationships aren't all that they're cracked up to be. i saw that yesterday when two really good friends of mine who seemed like a great couple, broke up. so basically i'm not worried about dating or anything. after all when i started goin out with bethany for the legitamate time i had absolutely no plan of asking her out. it just kind of happened.

so i'm happy with my life, and my goofball cousins won't ever get the girl that i've liked and may like to try dating again sometime in the future (...maybe. i'm still thinkin about it) which means that ol Daddy Sweets is still in the game and didn't die when bethany broke up with me XD

Life is friggin raw - Stephen Hawking

Thoughts of a boy who was raised to be a hermit.

I pretty much have no social life. I know, I know another one of those stories again. Sometimes it can't be helped when I've come to a realization that i'm pretty sure I knew all along but never thought about. The reason for my homebody anti-social nature essentially stems from my upbringing. More specifically my mother. It was clear when I was a little kid that I was very social. I loved being around people and making jokes and just having fun. My mom, on the other hand, was very overprotective with me and my brother to the point where she wouldn't really let us spend the night with people who weren't family. Luckily I've had a strong will and managed to squeeze two friends into my life that I've actually hung out with. They've been my best friends for the last 11 years now. Even then my mom was extremely reluctant to let me spend the night at their houses like I was going to walk into their kitchen and get killed by an assassin or be kidnapped by them. (I'm not joking. )

My brother doesn't mind this, as I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't give a crap if he didn't have to even talk to people at times but at others he can be social. However he never hangs out with anyone outside of times when he's at school or work. At home he just stays in his room watching Whose Line is it Anyway on his laptop while i'm sitting here listening to music and going insane from cabin fever. Sure i go for bike rides and go to the park and enjoy the fresh air but i feel so odd when i'm by myself. Either i feel stupid being alone or i'm paranoid that someone's watching me (thanks mom!)

Now my senior year fast approaches and what do I have to show for it? The only pictures with myself in a group of friends that I ever find on Facebook are all school related (either through band or otherwise) and never just hanging out with people. This lack of sociality in my life is really my only regret now that I think of it (besides asking out a few girls that made me feel like a fool when they rejected me, and not asking out a few that I really should've) I just don't want to look back on my life as everyone else says "man those were the best days of my life with all my friends" while i just sigh and say "well i managed to beat Resident Evil 4 and Pokemon Soul Silver"

The saddest thing about all this is that through my originally forced isolation (well i felt it was forced. after all it was indoctrinated to me when i was seven although i did all i could to counter it) i grew up to not mind it. It has now reached the point where I don't care whether or not I go to the extremely rare party that i actually get invited to. I'm making attempts to hang out with people but we've all reached the age where we're busy all the time looking for colleges, working, and other vital activities to start our adult lives. So basically i spent my entire childhood and adolescent years inside the house. What a life eh? "Well it kept you out of trouble" Heh i hear this all the time and think about it too. Like having a little social interaction outside home or school is going to make me a drug addicted, serial killer. Don't insult me with such mindless drivel then applaud my intelligence.

no one's even reading this so why bother? a grand total of two people know about this blog because i dont notify my friends via facebook because my parents, brother, and other family would just give me crap without actually listening to what i have to say. Plus nobody wants to hear me complain about my life anyway. All comedy, that's me. Well here ya go kids. For reading the stupid trivial bull crap of someone who would like to blame others for his way of life when he could've changed it all a long time ago, a bit of humor to balance out your day

Here's a quote i found : I told the doctor that I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

That is all for now everyone. ...Yeah